At some point in the past I had a lot of things going on in my life to the point where I required several different blogs just to keep things sorted out. I had interests pretty much flying out my ass and needed a place to blog and insert content relevant to each and every one. Now, things are different. My interests are narrowing and things are becoming more stable and cohesive, so the need for a separate blog relating to each thing is becoming less required. Unfortunately even my more specialized (and somewhat secret) blogs are not doing their jobs anymore either, mostly because they do not represent the real me anymore. I still have kinky interests, but they seem to have no meaning or substance without affection and some type of strong emotional bond, so those areas almost come back under the scope of this blog. Originally when this blog was launched it was to be my one-stop place for all of my thoughts, no matter how pure of problematic. Several years ago I had a problem where I considered suicide a few times, the entry where I announced those feelings and tried to write about them so that I could address them was posted to this blog, but now, it might be more likely to go to another blog, Restricted Access (as the name implies, its locked down). A few days ago, my new exercise routine stirred up erotic feelings in me and I felt like I needed an outlet, but it wasn’t right for my fetish blog, and it seemed a little out of the range of the body blog (since it’s a mental issue), so ideally it would be a personal topic, for the personal blog (this one), but once again, that type of thing ended up on RA, out of public view. The thoughts were personal, but not necessarily enough to be completely private. The separation of the body blog from the personal blog is really a self image thing I think. I keep the two worlds separate because I am afraid of screwing up, and then it would be an issue where it would be reflected in this blog and not just some other auxiliary blog that I can either close, or just ignore and forget about. Now I am realizing that the body blog is an ongoing thing and I do not necessarily screw up when I deviate from my goals, it just indicates a change in direction, just like anything else. The art blog has not been updated in over a year, which is probably a bad thing, since my art is a big part of my life. I don’t share much on there because it hardly seems relevant, because I feel like I am always doing the same stuff. It used to be the clay blog, which was great when I was still actively participating in ceramic classes and needed a way to keep my clay thoughts separate from my personal thoughts. Once again, I do not see why the differentiation was needed, except as a content delivery mechanism for the ceramic website (which is pretty much dead now). One other thing that affects the more “uncensored” blogs is the general audience nature of this blog. I really don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, and I feel like if I started posting in that way, I just might alienate people. Perhaps that defense is more about a disparity in self image more than alienation, but I just can’t be sure. I am not yet comfortable with bridging that separation.
No matter how weird my life is, I am only one person, and there is becoming less and less reason to have everything separate. I want to be whole and outside of authentication mechanisms I’m not really sure how to go about it. I think I will experiment with web presence stuff other than the blogs at first and see if it is even a doable thing for all parts of me to coexist.
