Personal

What does Curtis need?

By Curtis  |  2007/04/25 00:51 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

What is it that I need as a person? Why am I always so unhappy? I am happy in the ceramic studio, and in other classes as well. I am happy during the day when I am by myself and there is no one else around. I am not happy when people are around me and they expect me to always come up with things to do, or when I am around people and they refuse to speak. I am sad when I am alone, and find myself needing someone, and reach out for a “friend” and find that either none or there or none wish to interact with me, they are all too busy with other things, or are too busy holding offenses of the past against me. Is that how people in my life wish to punish me, by ignoring me when I need them the most? I know I am fucked up when it comes to interacting with people, and I try to improve where I can, and I try to apologize for my errors, but no one seems to be willing to forgive me, someone they consider to be a friend. Should I accept people in my life who are completely unwilling to forgive me for errors of the past that have not been since repeated? Should I call these people that refuse to interact with me when I need someone the most friends? Maybe I am selfish and should realize that I am not worthy of having people to talk to in those times? I have thought of going out and finding other people who haven’t been exposed to my problematic past, but I feel a certain loyalty to my current friends and would never want to create a situation where I would have to decide between my current friends and my new friends.
Life interacting with other people is confusing.

Potter Going Crazy

By Curtis  |  2007/04/13 03:22 Posted in Art, Ceramics, Hobbies, Personal, UNCC  |  Comments Off

It is 0330, I should be asleep right now, but as much as a try, I can’t fall asleep, all of these thoughts are converging on my tiny brain at once.
With such a short time remaining (14 days) it is becoming more of a challenge to keep these thoughts under control. I am going to spew them here….
1. I am thinking about scrapping the original set of sculptures idea, instead, making the drawing (see a few posts back) the final member of the set, and starting from a much simpler point, the sculptures have to be 12″ tall, so I will do a large bowl, cut a hole in the bottom, add a cylinder that is almost closed at the top on top of that, make it have a hole in the bottom as well. That should be 12″, or higher, so that will be the first one, and I will develop from there to arrive at the final piece, which is in the diagram. If I can’t think of enough transitions, i will go back to my adding vines idea to finish out the set. Doing it like this presently is just too difficult, I am a wheel potter, not a sculptor, so the intricate detail of the vines, leaves, and flowers (well… wheel thrown roses aren’t that hard) is just an overload that I can’t do, i took a risk on trying it, and the risk failed.
2. Talked to Molly a lot today, and we came up with a plan to mid-range fire some ware upon approval from Keith. Keith always says yes to a reasonable request, so we are go for that. I am planning to mid-range fire my sculptures just to make sure they have more of a chance of survival. I mean no disrespect to the mighty Alpine and Geil kilns, but the gas reduction is just a bit too much for some of my ware, so a Cone 6 oxidation might just do the trick to settle my nerves. (will custom mix glazes)
3. I am planning to fire the soda kiln, since no one else is, i’m going to light a [metaphorical] fire under my subordinate classmates (the lower level of wheel students) to get them to prepare some stuff for that kiln. I have a piece that fired apart that I plan to have glazed fired in here to make sure it is a safe ride for it.
4. Projects Remaining -

  • 3 – 5 sculptures
  • 2-3 more big bowls (final project)

The sculptures will just round out the last few pieces of the set and make sure I have enough to cover my ass. The big bowls are to be really creative big bowls that will stand out above the rest of my work. I am working diligently to make sure my final project is a success. I have worried myself about my lidded wares, but I have finally convinced myself that enough of them exist and that everything will turn out OK. I have 5 seated in the piece and a lot more seated in the lid. I think I have met quota.
Let’s do a quick check to see that I have done everything, shall we?

  • 5 small cylinders – check, all accounted for and done
  • 10″ or higher cylinders – check (little low on these, but more have been thrown to cover my ass and I have a few that count as multiple)
  • Lidded forms – check (see above)
  • Sets (2) – check (bowls and steins)
  • Sculptural forms – almost, working
  • Cumulative Body of Work – check (but with uncertainty)

5. Glazing – not exactly on my high priority list, I will eventually get to it before the end of the semester. I’m looking forward to getting this finished. If I am not careful, I will end up being my own glaze load or two, I should probably start on that soon so that I can stager the load over all of the remaining glaze kiln loads.
6. The weights of my clay balls – so many times in the past few days I have been asked how much clay I use for certain things. I DONT KNOW! I have ceased weighting my clay, I just crab from my personal barrel what I think I need and I work from that. There is no science behind it, just ceramic intuition. I feel bad that I don’t have the numbers for those that ask, I am going to try remembering to weight after I pull out of my barrel so that I have more to offer than a dumb look.
7. Space Consumption – I have 2 standards (5 shelves each), one table (about 10′ x 4′), about 3 other shelves and some floor space (for the really tall ones) currently claimed with my ware. I am concerned that I am becoming a studio hog. I have so much ware and I don’t know what to do with it all. I want to be more organized about it and clean up a bit, but i just don’t know how to go about it. I didn’t really ask if I could use the table (i just sort of started landing on it one day and it has grown from there). I have bisque ware on several shelves, glaze ware on one shelf, and the rest of the space is greenware that hasn’t been fired yet. I don’t know when I will ever find the time and patience to manage to get everything dry enough to fire. More importantly, when do I stop throwing? I know I can work until the last day (April 26th), I’m just not sure how that will work out. I want to clear out my table of greenware, and turn it into a table for glazing (mostly for me, but kinda open for others too).
8. Bonus project – if I complete my sculptures in my next visit or two to the studio, I plan to utilize the time to work on another “final project” of sorts. I want to work more on my tall vessels. Up to this point, all of my tall vessels have had “accidents” in the kilns (2 in bisque, 1 in glaze). I want to take some time and attempt to do 6 – 10 tall stacked pieces to sort of utilize the last days as best as I can and maybe show Tweedy my dedication to the course. In addition to these tall things, I intend to work on doing small projects for myself as well. I have had a request for some salad bowls, which will be a challenge for me, but I think I will enjoy learning how to make them. I hope my friend Oscar won’t be too critical of them since this will be my first time doing a shallow bowl. One thing I found the night I did the set of steins (yes, the whole set, in one session) is that I am good at sets. I have a talent for repetitive throwing (Tweedy mentions that a lot, but not usually in a good context), I want to exercise that talent.
9. Wheel work at home – I have been working some on my wheel at home, I have gotten good at sets in earthenware too. I am more conservative with my clay at home than at the studio (where I have been given Carte Blanche on clay consumption), because at home, I have to pay for my clay. I likely won’t do anything big at home during the summer, but I will keep throwing as long as I can still afford to buy clay and can throw things small enough to fit in my kiln.
X. Tweedy has pneumonia, this doesn’t make me happy, since there is a lot left to be done, critiqued or put down. How can we finish the semester without Tweedy? Also, I have noticed that I am the only person in my class who is this far along to completion, everyone else is trailing by at least two projects. I am trying to offer encouragement, but these guys are easily put down by their own bad emotions relating to the stresses of the course. This isn’t a course that can be done lightly with success, it requires skill, motivation, and most importantly, a belief that when it all comes down to the last few moments, your ware will all emerge from the kilns and be safe, and the course will come to a dramatic halt as the pieces are paraded like show horses on a summer day in Tennessee. I feel really bad for Tweedy, at the start of the semester she stepped on a needle and was out for a few weeks and now she is ending like this.
Its 0400, I feel slightly more tired, but not by much, but at least I have had a chance to do a proper memory dump.

Subtle Humor Lost in the Written Word?

By Curtis  |  2007/03/10 04:11 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

I have been told my previous blog entry, “Time”, was insulting. For anyone that may have been insulted by the entry, I’m sorry, I did not mean it in that way. I accept myself to be a standard of non-standardization, and expect my readers to do so as well. I exist in a world of my own where I can state what is normal, knowing that it is likely that anyone viewing into my world will perceive it as a queer and confusing place. I accept that I am different from a lot of the world, hence I write from a perspective of the majority, with the reality of being in the minority, in order to personify the way I experience things in the “normal” world. So again, I am sorry that my words were taken as an insult, I have a great respect for those of you who can still think of 12 hour time as the standard.

12 Years Have Passed, Some relief finally coming

By Curtis  |  2006/12/06 23:29 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

Two days ago was the 12 year anniversary of my grandmother’s death. During the day I conducted myself fairly silently and in a mode of reflection and attempting to resolve the ongoing mourning in my head. Every year on December 4th I have either cried, been depressed or otherwise had problems functioning, much like the morning of her death. On December 4, 1994 my entire world changed. It started with a startled awakening as my mother and cousin entered my room at just after 4am to inform me of the event. It wasn’t a secret that the event was coming, at that time, cancer was almost a certain death. I handled the event gracefully given its severity and the earliness of the hour. I managed to exhibit no signs of weakness or mourning at all at first, staying strong, just as my grandfather was. It wasn’t until my grandmother’s Hospice nurse arrived and began talking to the family that my grandfather and I both reacted at almost exactly the same time. When I tried to calm myself and listen for the big clock in the living room’s excessively loud ticking, which usually comforts me, I found it missing. One of the great ironic events in sourthern tradition, when someone dies the household clock is forced to halt, to bring the family luck and to allow the soul to pass peacefully. Beyond my aunt asking me to go for a walk with her, and finding myself physically unable to I don’t recall much else about the morning.
The other day I decided to repeat my steps of that morning, returning to the same spot at which I froze up 12 years prior. I wasn’t awake at the exact hour it originally happened, but if I would have been I probably would have attempted to repeat it then. I sat down at the point of my original freeze for nearly half an hour to reflect on the day of her death and the things that have happened over the past 12 years. My grandmother was a big influence in my life, and perhaps my role model then, and maybe even now? Like the clock, many things in my life stopped then. I stopped being artistic, creative and my desire to do things outdoors, such as gardening.
After all of this time, and all of my attempts to move forward, I think I have finally managed to get a good start on it.

Reconciling the Journals

By Curtis  |  2006/12/06 23:06 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

My GITI journal has large gaps in time and lots of changes in format, the blog misses a lot of major events and isn’t that accurate because of the fact that it is outward facing. I am having a hard time opening up fully to either myself in my personal journal in GITI or my public blog (friends?). I don’t like the closed person I have become.

I want a puppy!

By Curtis  |  2006/11/27 23:32 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

I just got back from a week of taking care of my cousin’s dog, Boscoe. It felt so good to have a creature to take care of and interact with. I often get very lonely (and bored) when I am by myself and have nothing to play with. One of the best things about Boscoe is how much he likes cheese, its a common interest which runs deeper than some interests I have with some of my friends sometimes. It would be really cool to have a puppy around. I have been around dogs all my life, but have been directly responsible for none of them. Boscoe was a first in that area. As I think back on the past week I remember all of the fun, annoyances and just silly shit about it, but im a bit sad because its all over so soon. Watching Boscoe hop in the back of my cousin’s SUV when he returned was a quick reminder that I functioned only as a temporary substitute.

Untitled

By Curtis  |  2006/05/30 22:05 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

The heart is a swirling mass of conflicting emotions. Flowing between self-preservation, caring for people who are special in our lives and the decision proccess that often falls between those two places. One must find the proper balance between the two to have a happy life. Humans are socially dynamic, which creates a situation where it isn’t always possible to maintain the same people throughout one’s life. Friends often pull apart because of a social distance that is formed when the friends begin to develop independant (im starting to hate that word) interests and begin to grow in personality in different directions. Friendships are as fragile as the weakest personality in them. When that weakness is added to something like a loss of trust in a friendship, then the friendship will likely hang in uncertainty until the friendship quietly vanishes, or things improve and the friendship rebuilds itself. I find myself presently at this uncertainty, and wish I had a bit of guidance. As I think of what form such guidance might take I realize all of the offers I have had from my network of friends asking me to talk to them when I have problems. This situation I believe is beyond the abilities of that network, I think at the moment the only thing that will help me is having a strong conversation with the friend and determining where things stand. It is never easy losing friends, it is much more noble to rebuild and not let differences ruin what has been so good for so long. It now occurs to me now that perhaps the problem is not with the friendship, but with the “rules of interaction”. Since we have changed, perhaps the friendship has to change as well to accept the new dynamic.

Inspiration from the Past

By Curtis  |  2006/04/13 01:44 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must – but never quit.
Life is queer, with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won if he’d stuck it out;
Stick to your task, thought he pace seems slow-
You may succeed with one more blow.
Success is failure turned inside out-
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit -
It’s when things seem worst that you musn’t quit.
–
I remembered hearing this poem in 7th grade, from a substitute teacher, Mrs. Tweedy Stewart. This evening when I found myself in need of inspiration I thought about this poem and through the magic of Google, I found it. There is no known author, but somehow I will always remember it the way that Mrs. Stewart spoke it.

The Stockings Were Hung….

By Curtis  |  2005/12/24 22:39 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

The stockings were hung by the replica statue of David with care, in hopes that his nuts would not be too visible in the cold winter air.
Making sure things are hung for Christmas seems to be the easy part of things, the more challenging is arranging a holiday event that is consistent with the goals of the season. This means that I need to coordinate food, music, my mood and other things to work well with each other, as well as with some sort of “seasonal protocol”. Food is by far the hardest though, everyone has such delicate tastes this time of year. Then there are the people who are allergic to everything, certain measures must be made to accomodate them. Food seems to be such a huge part of culture. It isn’t easy to find things seasonal that taste good. The most “typical” Christmas dessert is fruit cake, but no one likes it and no one under 70 eats it (for those Alton Brown fans out there, yes it is Good Eats when it is done properly, but I mean the typical brick variety).
So far for tommorrow I have completed:
Arctic S’mores
Oatmeal Chocolate Cookies (the gooey kind)
Spice Cakes (6 pecan caramel glazed, 3 walnut caramel glazed)
Yule Log
Chilli (C/O Dad)
Bagguette (got to love bakerys :-D )
Nog (premade, yeah, i suck)
The items still to be prepared are:
The Soups (potatoe and veg)
Wassail (base only, accessories are ready)
Tea, Coffee, Hot Chocolate (to be brewed moments before guests arrive)
Warm Apple Cider
My aunt seems to think I am crazy for doing the stuff im doing, but I think I am doing quite well to this point.
One question I am still trying to answer is when I am supposed to sleep, the past few days I have already been on an inverse cycle and today I ended up sleeping on the couch waiting for my mom to be ready to help me with the Yule log, which resulted in me running to bed for a few hours. At the moment I am sitting here wondering how I will handle my commitments of the evening and still manage to sleep a sane way, since I am supposed to be functional at 6am (I should only require 4 hours of sleep since I have completed a 4 hour cycle already).
I love this time of year, I just am not certain of my physical or mental health after. Last year I did this and pulled off 40 hours of continuous up time. I am not quite stable enough to do that this year, I see napping in my futures.

Fighting Against Familial Divisibility

By Curtis  |  2005/12/18 21:27 Posted in Personal  |  Comments Off

My family drives me so nuts sometimes! Today I found out that there is a competetion in place between my anual Christmas event at home and my cousin’s arrival in Myrtle Beach. My event has been planned unofficially for almost a year, but officially for a few months. I have done everything short of sending out paper invitations to alert my family that they are to gather at my house on December 25th at 5:00PM. That date and time has been delegated to me for my use with the family. My cousin who lives in San Franciso, CA has decided to fly in next weekend instead of this weekend, and has also decided that he doesn’t wish to make the long trip (3.25 hours) from Myrtle Beach to Charlotte to come to my event. It is unfortunate that physically distant relatives get priority in this family (I blame it on the fact that there has never been a physically distant member before). It would appear that I have a lot of family members on my side for the event, but also some feel a loyalty towards my cousin. Some people in my family want me to move the event to December 24th at 5:00, but I am fairly decided in my time and I don’t plan to let myself be manipulated by their confusion. One of the fun things about my event is that it is my event, no act of committee can make the event float across time and space, as it can with all of the others. I suppose another factor on my side is the act of committee that is required to coordinate the pilgramige to Myrtle Beach, with the division and indecision it will not be possible for a conclusion to be reached and it is likely that either the deciding bodies will opt to remain on the original plan with my event, or a representative body will be sent to Myrtle Beach and the rest will be with me. Family politics are a lot of fun when im not involved in them :-/ I suppose its time for me to send an email to my aunt who is attempting to coordinate the Myrtle Beach thing and see if I can get her to work with me on a plan of action that will make sure that both of our events occur without a problem. I guess for once I have a reason to like the republicans in my family (primarily my aunt in Charlotte and grandfather who are strickly opposed to travelling out of state on Christmas and wish to honor their commitment to me).